DAVID CARROLL: The Most Patient Man in America

I used to tell my wife that I was the most patient man in America. This was usually followed by a swift verbal reprimand, so I stopped saying that.

Still, that title may be accurate, because I have never retaliated against people who say stupid things Obviously I have more restraint than my wife. But my patience is wearing thin, so watch out. I’m putting the following people on notice.

All you cashiers who send me out the door by saying, "You have a nice one!" I will soon reply, "A nice what?"

When you say, “You are not going to believe this,” I will reply, “Then why waste your time telling me?”

When you say, “To make a long story short,” I will point out you’ve been talking for twenty minutes.

When you say, “Now this is just me talking,” I will look over your shoulder for a ventriloquist, just to be sure.

When you say, “I don’t spread rumors, but this is what I’ve heard,” I must let you know that you are indeed spreading rumors.

When you say, “I’m not going to lie to you now,” I will begin wondering if anything you have ever said was true.

When you say, “Nobody asked me, but…” I should probably remind you that there’s a reason for that.

When the Emergency Room clerk asks me, “Do you want to be seen today?” I will reply, “Why, yes I do. That’s why I turned off my invisible powers.”

When you say, “No offense, but…” I will brace myself, because you are about to ask me if I bought my shirt at Baby Gap.

When you ask me, “What time is it right now?” I will respond, “I don’t have that information. However, I can tell you it was 11:15 ten minutes ago.”

When you say, “It goes without saying,” I will stop you and say, “Well, then, don’t say it!”

When you tell me, “My grandma gave me this recipe before she died,” I will tell you that was definitely good timing on her part.

When I tell you that last week I survived a tornado, a bear attack, and a lightning strike, I will go ballistic if you reply, “I know exactly how you feel.”

If you say, “Let’s not go there!” I will remind you that I didn’t invite you there.

If I’m choking on food, and you shout, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did some food go down the wrong way?” I probably won’t say anything to you then, but I will later.

If you say, “I am literally dying here!” I will literally call the ambulance.

If you say, “Here’s the deal,” you had better be a car salesperson.

If you say, “That’s neither here nor there,” then you should tell me exactly where it is.

If you’re a waitress, and you ask me, “Is everything okay?” be prepared for me to answer, “Well, I have concerns about Russia and the Middle East, for sure. I certainly don’t think everything’s okay in China. On a personal level, my arthritis is acting up, and my best friend’s marriage may be ending. And I think we could improve school security. Hey wait, where did you go, I wasn’t finished!”

When I’m running in from a pouring rain and you ask me, “Is it raining outside?” I will say, “No, I just installed a shower in my car, and today I forgot my towel!”

If you’re airport security, and you ask me, “Has anyone placed anything inside your luggage without your knowledge?” I will respond, “Hey, how did you know I was a psychic? Now let me close my eyes and concentrate...First, you’re a Scorpio, am I right?”

When you tell me, “I saw it with my own eyes,” I will say, ”Good for you. I’m so lazy, I usually borrow someone else’s.”

When you tell me, “I finally found my glasses in the bathroom. That’s the LAST place I’d look!” I will say, “Not me. When I find something, I just keep looking for it. It’s good exercise.”

And finally, “Do you feel me?” Not unless I want to get arrested.