SENSE & SENSITIVITY: PARTNER TIRED OF BOYFRIEND'S POT USE

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is a pothead. He smokes first thing in the morning and all day long. Most of his friends do the same. At first, I liked it; I used to smoke a lot, too. But that was years ago. Now I am working a professional job and trying to build my career. It drives me crazy to wake up to the smell of weed every morning and go to sleep to the smell every night. I want to start expanding the things we do socially, but my boyfriend only wants to go out with people who smoke weed. I worry that as we get older, our priorities are shifting. I want more for my life, and I want my boyfriend to want more, too, but I don't know how to get him to seriously consider new options. Do I just accept his way of living? Is it OK for me to want more -- even if that means we may break up? -- Fork in the Road

DEAR FORK IN THE ROAD: Talk to your boyfriend. Share your observations about the quality of your life together and the choices that you both are making now. Point out that it seems that you two want different things. Describe the life you are working to build for yourself. Ask him what he wants for the future. Tell him that his incessant pot smoking is an impediment to your future together. Ask if he is willing to curtail his smoking and expand his activities. Don't give him an ultimatum. Share your vision of the future with him and your belief of what it takes to make that turn in the road ahead. Ask if he is willing and interested in walking that road with you.

** ** **

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been talking to my next-door neighbor incessantly, mainly because we have both been at home for two years. When we aren't working, we are generally having tea or otherwise biding time together. She is very nice, but I know I need to be more mindful of what I say to her. The other day, some friends I hadn't seen in a long time came over. I invited her to join us for drinks. As everyone was talking, she jumped right in and participated a little too fully in the conversation because she knew things about my friends that I had told her. Later, they told me it was awkward for them that their personal information was regurgitated by this stranger. It's my fault, but how do I cut her off now? I have gone too far. -- Overstepping

DEAR OVERSTEPPING: For starters, you can thank your neighbor for joining your gathering. Ask her how she enjoyed herself. Then provide a bit of feedback -- namely that you realize that the secrets you have shared with her about your friends actually made them uncomfortable. Admit that as the two of you have grown closer, you have shared a lot of personal details about people who are close to you. You now see that you overstepped some boundaries.

Tell your neighbor how much you appreciate her friendship, but you have to honor your other friends by not violating their privacy. Ask her to do the same by keeping their secrets to herself. Moving forward, cut back on what you share with this neighbor.